写在父亲节

Father-Day’s Special :

Take My Breath Away

Fditor’s Forewords:
In this world , there are no parents bringing in a child and expecting to bear him/her with tribulation. Seeing their kid gets hurt , they usually feel more sorrow yet could do nothing more than him/her, since that is the reality they have to face and sometimes, the cost of growth that must be paid  by the child alone yet nobody else .

——StephanieZhiying) Hsiao 

Someday this summer, a girl i knew through volunteering work last semester invited me to her college to listen to a lecture about cinema and literature, presented by a Chinese professor from Britain, Dan Shaw. Seeing how she admired this lady when she mentioned her, i decided to give a shot , simply because of one of her most sparkling and smashing rhapsody about her :

 

"She acts as if she was in love whenever she gives a lecture"

 

Needless to say, those words hit me in  less than a second that i could not even stop the splendid imagination spurted out within breath. So the following two weekends, i spent them both attending her lectures. One of which gave an overview towards the several versions of movies adapted from "Jane Eyre" while the other was dealing with relationship between father and son and just on the day i interviewed her.

 

i sat in the last row of the lecture hall, among a cluster of fascinated students. It is out of my expectation that most of the novels and movies she mentioned were just right up my alley and those stories were so familiar to me that i could even recall some of the dialogues. However, when all of those came out of Shaw, still, i was deeply moved. It seems that her way of talking could create an atmosphere so special that your mind were just impelled to follow hers within it as well as the stories and whatever emotions she presented.

 

Shaw is not kind of beauty that could catch your attention at the first sight. She is tall and slender with shoulders seemingly unrelaxed all the time, as if she was on the strain forever. She wore a tweed suit, a pair of jeans of faded color while a pair of chammy boots tightly binding her foot, the most sexy part on her I could see . 

 

The lecture ended, some students came up to besiege her and bubble out all sorts of questions, while i was standing in a distance and failed to hear them . All i could see is that she replied with a tender smile, in a way seemingly soft and calm. Then, i saw some students presented her a gift, something like a bracelet made of blue cordonnet while she, like a youngest child obtaining the highest favour from parents, reached out her arms all the way down so that the student could fasten it on her wrist. At this spot, i decided that she should be an charming lady everywhere.

 

As the last person approaching her, i simply told her that i was an column editor for a local chinese newspaper and would like to write some review about her impressive lecture series as well as the movies she mentioned. She put on her warm smile and replied :

 

"i am more than pleased to answer your questions".

 

Then we sat down beneath the platform, with rows of clear and rising seats behind us.

Then, how come we came off the topic ? 

 

i could not tell.

 

i just remembered that, by the moment of sunset, this interview had developed into a private conversation between two adult women, within the ponderation about Father’s Love.

 

The following is my digestion from her narrative that i want to share with everybody . 

   西方人说女儿是父亲的最后一个情人,大概是指那种息息相通的感觉。父亲和女儿,表面上看起来是一个家庭中的男人和女人,但是,和任何男女的关系都不同,这个女人是这个男人孕育的,她会是父亲身体和精神的一部分。所以,当女儿疼的时候,父亲也会感觉疼。当我明白了这个的时候,我想做的唯一一件事就是不让我的父亲为我疼,我要把我自己那些疼都掩盖起来,让父亲感觉不到。可是,父亲和女儿本来是一个人啊,所以,任凭我怎么掩盖,我的父亲也始终是疼的,而他的做法和我一样,就是拼命把他感觉到的、原来属于我的疼掩盖起来,不让我看见他在为我疼。这么多年,我们各自掩盖着,同时,也都感觉到了对方的忧虑和用心良苦。所以,我很想说,爱,在某种程度上说也是一种负担和压力。

  这样说是不是太复杂了?我想,我大概是念书念多了,念的都不会说话了。不管怎么说,这是我的真实感觉。

  我父亲是一个性格特别温和的人,他懂得默默地关心一个人,这种关心总是会渗透在每一个细小的动作和表情里。我记忆里,没有看到过父亲发脾气,连一句重话,都不曾从父亲那里听说。我母亲到最后都觉得自己很幸福,她去世的时候还不到50岁。我记得我们也是站在妈妈的床前,她费了很大力气,拉住父亲的手,她说“对不起”,为了她没有能够陪伴父亲到最后。妈妈在病重的时候说过她很遗憾,短短的一生得到了那么多来自父亲的爱和照顾,还没有机会报答,就要离开了。妈妈的这些最后的话,我永远都不会忘记。在这个人们从身到心都不遗余力地颠覆传统的时代,我的父亲和母亲,在我看来,是一段完美的、古典的爱情。我还没有经历过爱情和婚姻的时候,得到一个像父亲这样的男人的爱,就是我的婚姻理想。现在,我已经没有婚姻理想了,也失去了一段婚姻和一段险些成为婚姻的爱情,但是,我仍然觉得,如果有一个年轻的女孩子,能得到一个像我父亲这样的男人,她一定是世界上最幸福的女人。

  …….

        …….

  有一天,父亲到学校来找我了。他没有去我结婚时那个家,而是直接到了教研室。我当时坐在办公室看教案,父亲的身影出现在门外,他的脸在玻璃窗口上映着,是我从来没见过的忧伤表情。我们在校园里慢慢走,父亲沉默了好一会儿,才淡淡地说:“回家住吧,你的房间,我一直给你留着呢。”

  我不知道世界上还有什么语言可以描述这种父亲和女儿之间的默契,对对其中一方的痛苦的默契。那个时刻,我心里只有深深的歉意,真的,对我父亲的歉意,我答应了他要让自己过上幸福的生活的,可是我没有做到,不管是什么原因,也不管是因为什么人的原因,我的心受伤了,我不快乐了,我的人生陷入灰色了,这让他的心也颤抖。

  那以后,我开始经常回家,有时候,我不想回去,父亲看看到点了我还没回来,就会给我打电话,他会特别温和、好像没有任何期待似的在电话里跟我说:“我给你买鱼了,阿姨在做呢,你回来吃吧。”“你回来吗?今天墩了排骨。挺多的,我们都吃不完。”“明天要降温了,我给你买了厚围巾,你不是颈椎不好吗?回来拿吧。”我知道他只有一个目的,就是让我回家,吃一顿好吃的饭还在其次,更重要的是他要看看我,看看我好不好,心情怎么样,有没有不开心,虽然他也明白我不会太开心的。我回去了,他会亲自给我盛饭、端汤、剥水果皮,他会不让我帮他收拾桌子、洗碗,他会惯着我,让我看动画片、听流行歌曲、和哥哥姐姐的孩子们打打闹闹,宠爱我,让他快乐,让他欣慰,因为这个已经过了30岁的、婚姻失败的孩子至少还有他宠着、惯着,虽然他也知道他不可能是那个能和她相依为命到最后的男人。

  我是在父亲的这种爱之中离开家到国外的,那段时间,我寻找一切可以出国学习和工作的机会,目的是能透透气,能暂时避开父亲的那种疼爱之中包含着忧虑和同情的目光。我不敢说我想出国留学,我知道他不会同意的,他还没有死心,他还在期待着有一天,我能带回家一个能让他再次把我托付出去的男人,他想象那样我就会有幸福,他就可以放心。父亲不止一次对我表达过那样的意思,他说希望我能有一个孩子、一个好的家庭、一个好男人,跟姐姐们一样。

  也许我是一个深爱父亲的人,永远不会舍得他难过就像他对我。我在经过了很长时间的单身生活之后开始慢慢尝试恋爱。当然,那时候的我还是非常相信我的命运不至于太坏,还会有好男人来珍惜我,我对以后的婚姻生活还是抱着希望。

  我遇到了险些成为我第二任丈夫的男人,也正是这个人,他摧毁了我对婚姻的全部理想,我再也不想结婚了。

       ……..

       ……..

  他是一个没有经历过婚姻的人,或者真的就像人们说的那样,一个离婚女人是不应该找一个没有婚姻经历的男人重新建立家庭的,那里面的不平衡是很容易成为致命伤的。可惜,我懂得的时候,已经来不及了。

  这个过程也很痛苦,真的,我遭遇了很多无法想象的虐待,我不愿意去回忆。

  还是给你讲我和父亲吧。

  在我的恋爱出现问题的时候,我还是本能地选择了对父亲隐瞒。但是,怎么可能瞒得住呢?当我在那么热的夏天穿着能包住整个脖子的高领衣服的时候,我想父亲应该能够猜想,我是想盖住那上面的血印和抓痕;当父亲在深夜接到匿名电话告诉他,他的女儿是妓女的时候,他应该能够想象这跟我的恋爱有关;当我每次回家都勉强挤出笑容给他看的时候,他应该很容易就知道,我并不快乐……但我还是不说。我不敢说,也不屑去说。那时候,我的心里甚至经常会有自杀的念头,我觉得生活是如此没有意思,没有希望。

       ……. 

  我没有告诉过父亲,我遭遇了什么,当然也没有告诉父亲,我经历怎样的波折才最终离开这个人。

        ……  

  最终,这件事情也没有能瞒住父亲。他的母亲来到我家,说要给我道歉。他母亲说,他的父亲就是因为妄想型精神病而自杀的,他的第一个女朋友也是因为这个离开了他。他母亲是个很好的人,也是个命苦的女人,她说她知道,她的这个儿子早晚也会走上他父亲的路。但是当她知道他跟我恋爱而且要结婚的时候,还是很高兴,她说她自私地认为,也许她儿子会因此过上好生活,没想到害了我。他母亲坐了一会儿就离开了。剩下父亲和我。我们面对面坐着,忽然,我看见很大、很圆的眼泪从父亲的眼睛里掉下来,落在他的裤子上,迅速地洇开了。父亲落泪的时候没有声音,我想这就叫做老泪纵横吧?我一句话也说不出来,我想到了这些日子来所遭遇的一切,心的疼痛,身体的疼痛,但是,一切的疼痛都不及父亲的眼泪让我更加疼痛,心如粉碎。

  那之后,我很长时间没有回家,直到拿到了可以去英国上学的签证。我在37岁高龄重返校园。我至今记得我和父亲关于留学的全部谈话。我告诉他,我要走了。我不想继续留在这个城市,我也不想再谈什么恋爱,更不想结婚,那天我给父亲跪下了。我说:“对不起,爸爸,我没有给你一个圆满,不是我不想,是我真的做不到了。但是我跟你保证,即使一辈子没有一个男人成为我的丈夫,跟我过到最后,我也不会放纵自己,我会找到一个人的快乐。请你不要担心。”我父亲把手放在我的头上,不动,那是我成年之后久违的一种身体接触,来自生养我的父亲。

  我在英国知道父亲不行了,赶回来见他最后一面。父亲最后的日子我始终陪伴着他,只要有可能就不离开他左右。但是我们什么也没有谈,他甚至没有问我一个字关于在国外的生活。我想父亲已经绝望了,他在最后的时候明白了他只能给我生命,却不能给我一辈子的幸福生活。

  天下的父母都是这样的吧?他们生养了一个孩子,对这个孩子寄予最多的希望,也希望自己能把世界上最好的东西都带给这个孩子,但是,这个孩子长大了,有了他自己的生活和选择,有了他自己的需求和判断,然后,这个曾经在他们手中小玩具似的孩子像一辆失控的列车一样飞驰出去,到达一个他们根本不能想象的地方,可能是天堂,也可能不是。他们除了看着、疼着、祝福着、遗憾着,还能做什么呢?可是,他们的心始终在这个孩子身上,这个孩子有一天死了,也带走他们的呼吸。

  我父亲咽下最后一口气的时候,我伸手拉住了他的手,一个老人的、干瘦的手,我知道他跟我想的一样,我相信他也知道这个。接着,他没有了呼吸,那个时刻,他也把我带走了。

 

During our conversation, there were several times that Shaw choked her words and forced herself into a long silence. She gripped her both hands with such a strength that within some moments , i could even believe that she was holding hands with her father. Her act reminded me of some words i was told by someone long time ago:

 

“In this world , there are no parents bringing in a child and expecting to bear him/her with tribulation. Seeing their kid gets hurt , they usually feel more sorrow yet could do nothing more than him/her. However, that is the reality they have to face and sometimes, the cost of growth that must be paid by  the child alone yet nobody else .”

 

The daylight dimmed and we were still sitting in the same way as the conversation started. It was Shaw that broke the final silence before our parting. She told me that it was her last lesson, after which she would go back to Britain and she just wanted to take advantage of it as a reminder of her father.

 

This reminder is a movie from the form Soviet Union, named "The Thief". It told a story about a single mother, carrying her little son, who later met a nice man that treated them so well that they believed he was the man that they could fall back on in rest of their life. The little boy likes him most since he could protect him and be a indeed good father whenever in need. Yet one day the police came and took his "Dad" away because he was—-actually—-a thief. Then all the people in the neighborhood could not resist the least distain towards this man while only this boy, with the calling of "Dad" back and forth, running after the police car that took his "father" away.

 

Shaw said this movie was bearing nothing to do with her past experience yet she just felt like sharing it with all her students on this special day. She said that she could tell, from the moment she saw him running after that police car, that his "Dad" has—- in the same way—-taken his breath away as her father did. 

 

 

 

 

背景音乐:Stranger in Paradise
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