老萧游记:胡思乱想 无病呻吟

四个月后,老萧站在Queen Street的地铁站上,望着远去的列车,想着,车厢上有些人也许这辈子都不会再见了,就像两条相交的直线,相逢之时也是缘尽之始。就像在这边上课,如果是大课,每一天都有新面孔坐在你身边,50分钟过后,课毕人散;如果是小班,每天面对熟悉的面孔,一个学期后,依然课尽人散。老萧想起新东方的Jason, 那时上课,Jason动不动就要整个班换座位:“Attention,everyone!You should find your new partners, the one you’ve never known before, you should learn to get familiar with strangers anytime and feel free within the new group as soon as possible since that would be what you’ll face everyday when you go abroad…”后来开学时的Welcome Week,果如Jason所言,所有的活动都有一个共同的细节——要求身边人走马灯似的换,换之前也不给你打招呼,于是不知多少潜在的挚友在一场意外的不辞而别之后成了风景般的路人。另一方面,Cheer Leader尤其强调新生们的速记能力….老外记人名的功夫经训练后突飞猛进,而老萧榆木一根老抽筋,至今嗔怪为何那么多老外似是从一个模子里刻出来的,尤其女的,化妆到人人看来都一个德性!于是,几个月后,常有面熟的陌生人冒出来喊:Hey,Steph!而老萧故作惊喜状喊:Hey!How’s going?How’s life?然后,没有下文或借故匆匆离开。刚开始,老萧常常于月黑风高处独自黯然神伤这不痛不痒“浅尝辄止”的人际关系,在McKay混了几个月后,皮糙肉厚的老萧渐渐明白由于种族隔阂,要继续混下去就要学会enjoy Party精神——

1.相逢何必曾相识

2. Just enjoy the present, man!

3.Don‘t cry because it is over, smile because it happened.

后来,问到其他在老外地盘上混的同胞,答案近乎一致,It is hard to maintain any deep relationship with the other ethnic, even the person of the same ethnic yet raised up within a totally different background. 妈妈安慰老萧说:“你记得附中的外教不,他们不也是一直生活在自己的小圈子里,虽然在外语组办公室也会和我们打招呼聊上几句。”

可是——

大概是以白痴为主角的电影看多了的缘故, 老萧依然相信人和人的心理感受在很多事情上是相差无几的,就算是傻瓜也一样,何况仅是肤色不同的正常人耶乎?

后来,通过上Yoga课听教练教诲,偷听室友和邻居们的Gossip, Personal Counselor唠嗑,在公车或餐桌听老头老太发牢骚,听怨妇衰男漫谈中年危机,听少男少女密语情感困惑,老萧更加坚定了自己的看法,外加一句,尤其是在对生命困惑之时(要不然,虚无缥缈的宗教怎么能跨国界地Popular呢?)。在12/19Career ServiceCareer Planning Group Session上,老萧遇到了一个特爱抢答的老外Tonia,而伊的答案几乎次次都是老萧脑海里中文所想表达的意思,难得一两次被老萧抢了先,答毕也见伊不住点头,眼神支持。课后,自然聊到一起,发觉纵然年龄差了三岁,所遇到的职业规划问题和基本想法近乎一致。老萧为求“艳遇”,尾随伊至书店,邂逅伊同学Illocal,三个人一见如故,围绕Tonia的人生困惑唠了两个钟头,其实那也是老萧的困惑,但是一向擅长装蒜的老萧又一次担当安慰者的角色。那个下午真的难忘,老萧头一次走进老外的内心,窥见她们的小挣扎,不仅仅是猎奇,重要的是,通过聆听,分析,争辩及互相说服,老萧在助人之时也帮了自己。那二女,皆长老萧三岁,曾经学Commerce, 毕业后工作了,但皆因发现自己不适合商场而重返校园修第二学位,IllocalPolitical Science,ToniaPhilosophyTonia就是前文提及的和老萧神似的女子,但伊的问题比老萧严重的多,伊似乎已经让困惑控制了生活,成为心理障碍,显得有点歇斯底里了,伊自己也承认了这一点。老萧推荐Tonia看《蝴蝶效应》(其实《悟空传》最合适,可是没英文版哇)。盖因涉及个人隐私,伊的苦恼根源简而言之就是:伊想控制其生命中的一切,可是伊办不到。其实这是人类普遍痛苦的根源,There is always limitation somewhere in our life. It is the awareness of such limitation that builds up our affliction confronted over and over again in our daily life. Yet that is not the worst thing,the poorest people are those suffering without knowing the reason. 谈话结束时Tonia一脸憔悴地问Illocal和老萧:Why there is the powerless(limitation) in human’s life?Illocal机灵,说:“That is why you should learn Philosophy.”而老萧则被噎着咬了舌头,心想:是哇,这就像是问苏格拉底:古今中外,芸芸众生,为啥非要依着出生表做人啊:出生,读书, 工作, 结婚, 生子, 入土??老萧见Tonia问出如此有慧根的问题,愈发想教伊中文,好让伊看懂《悟空传》,听懂老萧的一句肺腑之言:是人,吃了就一定要拉,所以一定要学会随缘放下,否则要不便秘,要不吃饱了撑着哇!

曾几何时,Illocal和现在的Tonia以及一年半前的老萧一样,为着相似的虚无问题郁闷,所幸她和老萧都在某年某月的某一天开了窍——As we grow, our happiness will be more and more achieved by seeing others’ smile, for ourselves, perhaps no true happiness ever exist, yet there should be great satisfaction in moments to remember, for sure~ 老萧和Illocal心照不宣,但都含蓄指出Tonia小题大做的根源就是太self-centered,太注重自己的内心感觉。The more attention you pay to others, the less effort to reflect upon or fight with yourselfdon’t you see?

不管伊的职业选择最终如何,老萧已经做出自己的决定,ND~就当是迷信一回心理测试结果吧,刊在$30注册费的份上,到底是兴趣使然还是虚荣心作怪现在都不重要了,反正Health Science在各项指标中占绝对优势。When the test and the conversation both show people similar to Steph mostly get no visible aptitude in commerce,老萧放弃了学会计毕业了就能找工作的想法,依旧走回了本硕博后的第四类人路线。妈妈安慰老萧:你出国不是因为留在国内找不到好工作而去的,而是为了——深造哇!钱的问题你不要担心,我和你爸都还能再赚十年哇….每每回忆这话,老萧边呐喊着理解万岁边忏悔!最终,发誓不能烧爹娘养老钱的老萧决定曲线救国,本科Life Science, 然后工作拿身份,再自力更生到美国去上MD….

老萧事后反省自己总是优柔寡断的原因:和伊一样,We are both too haunted by the absolute cause and effect and over-estimate our own power: It is true that your life today is the result of your choices in the past and your life tomorrow will be the result of your the choices you make toady.Yet God makes choice , other than you And no absolute cause and effect in this universe esp. between the career and the bachelor majorsince there is something out of routine sometimes, for the history that is exception and for any individual life, that is the turning-point. . Don‘t try so hard, the best things may come as one least expect them to.

In 2007

不要浪费你的生命,在你一定会后悔的地方上。

希望掌握永恒,就必须控制现在。

情执是苦恼的原因,放下情执,你才能得到自在

永远记得:前方无绝路,希望在转角。

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1 comment
  1. Ares said:

    btw, 还有一点,除了the existence of GOD, 专业测评也是不准的~ 你学social science肯定知道,所有的关于人的模型,都只是一个某一方面的假设,至今,还没有一个准确,或哪怕接近准确的模型,能得出关于个体的近似准确的结论的。
    so,呵呵 you know what I mean, right?

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